Uncle Sam wants YOU…to dress like you take your love for country seriously!

In the shadows of his 200-year-old office on Capitol Hill, Old Sammy has been hearing whispers of ghastly new trends in modern society: a water-bottle-flipping hobby with zero utility, some spastic muscle condition called “dabbing” that’s crippling the nation, and camouflage-patterned attire for everyonelike you’re all out there trying to hide your patriotism! Ben Franklin and George Washington are literally doing barrel rolls in their graves, wondering where they went wrong, plotting to tunnel out and propose a new anti-dabbing amendment to the Constitution! Or so we hear.

As a public service, we’ve devised a step-by-step method that might just please our iconic uncle. First things first, take your face out of your elbow and straighten those arms. Next, wiggle your arms around and appreciate the sweet, sweet freedom of motion that comes outside that “dab” form. Still following? Now use your newfound freedom to pick up all those plastic water bottles! We’ve got only one earth, man! Alright… see that? Uncle Sam’s beginning to crack a warm smile of approval.

Last – but absolutely not least – grab your nicest Oxfords (sneakers will work, too), a crisp white dress shirt, and your favorite tie clip. Set those next to your copy of The Autobiography of Ben Franklin on the bedside table, take a deep breath, and mentally prepare yourself for the most important step: Slipping into this OppoSuits Stars and Stripes Suit. Hop into the slim-fitting pants and blazer, walk the neighborhood like patriotism incarnate, and you’ll have even Lady Liberty swooning.